I’m Grumpy (Mopey Rant)


I feel guilty for whining. I’m over the worst of my cold by far, but it just doesn’t want to quit. We managed to pay off a big bill entirely this month, which is great. Phire is officially into his trial period at college and doing well. And I didn’t have to go to the hospital over this cold, which is great. We also have food and plenty of it — not something to sneeze over. And my college application is completely submitted. My friend submitted my recommendation letter and loaned me the money for the application fee. I’m just waiting for them to receive my transcripts. But I called my high school because I was getting nervous and they said they sent them out. My grandmother bought me a new pair of shoes. We ordered three books this month that I wanted (two were cheap and replacements for copies that got destroyed in a flood years ago — the third wasn’t so cheap but I’ve wanted it for years). Two of them came, and I’m waiting on the third. And I got four reasonably cheap t-shirts yesterday. Three are black, one is dark gray, and I like them all. It’s good to have clothes that fit me and don’t contribute to my dysphoria again. And it’s especially good to have black clothes that fit that description again. I’m also caught up in my college courses, which is really good. Though I didn’t do as well as I hoped in them for the first week’s peer review grades.

But my sleep schedule is screwed up. My med schedule yesterday and today are screwed up. And I have SO FREAKING LITTLE ENERGY! I’m worried about finances and there is a to-do list of 18 things (it started out as 32) that have to get done. Most of them I have to do myself, though a few Phire and SJ can do. And my friend volunteered to do a few of them, which I really appreciate. But I have no energy to do the things that I have to do.

I still haven’t celebrated Beltaine because I haven’t been well enough, haven’t had enough energy, and haven’t had enough time.

I also have been doing VERY little writing. I wrote one journal entry in May, started one other one, and then wrote a grumbly little thing today that was less than a page long and mostly consisted of how much I didn’t feel like writing. I think this is my second or third blog post this month. And I wrote a verse for a project for one of my online courses. But that’s it.

And I also haven’t been able to practice music.

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Oof.


First of all, I have a cold. I caught it from my poor father, who drove me to the doctor last week despite being sick. SJ and my grandmother caught it too. SJ getting it doesn’t really surprise me, and I have a compromised immune system, so no shocker there, but my grandmother rarely gets sick. Mercifully, Phire isn’t sick — at least not so far. He has a great immune system, so hopefully he won’t.

I got my grades back from the two peer review assessments for the first week for the courses I’m taking online. While I didn’t exactly do BADLY in the one, and I did well in the other, I did far worse than I expected in the one, and a little worse than I expected in the other one.

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow partially for the cold (because my Dad needed to go to his doctor to get prescription medicines for his) and partially because I need to get my script and my referral renewed for my wheelchair, which I thankfully only need to use some of the time. But because my sleep schedule has been all screwed up, I’m worried about making it there on time. I’m also not looking forward to hours of bus rides, waiting for buses, and walking to and from bus stops while I’m sick. I feel guilty because I’m probably get other people sick, and I’m worried because going to the doctor’s office might get me sick with something else — especially since I’m already dealing with a cold.

I still haven’t sent in my application to Berklee because I’m waiting on my friend to send in his recommendation letter for me and loan me the money for the application fee.

I didn’t celebrate Beltaine yet. Initially, I was going to do my ritual for it sometime during the week this week. Then, when plans to go to my Dad’s this past weekend fell through, I hoped to do it over the weekend. Then, of course, I got this cold. So that is delayed until I feel better.

Also probably delayed is the bloodwork I’m supposed to get done.

I had wanted to spend more time with the puppy after CampNaNoWriMo ended. It’s not that I’ve been ignoring her, or anything, and it’s certainly not like she’s neglected. But most of the walking her, playing with her, taking her out to pee and poop, feeding her, giving her water, and putting her to bed at night has fallen on the guys in April. Between CampNaNoWriMo, needing to replace her gentle leader, and those two bad health weeks I had in the middle of April, SJ and Phire have been doing most of the legwork. I planned to change that as soon as CampNaNoWriMon ended. Unfortunately, two days after it ended, I got my cold. By the third day after it ended, I could no longer pretend it was just allergies. On the bright side, at least it waited until after CampNaNoWriMo was over to kick in — and until we had money to buy OTC cold and flu treatments and we could afford bus passes for the month.

I also haven’t been able to practice for a few days and SJ, who is far better with keyboard than I am, hasn’t been able to help for a few days. I REALLY don’t like being sick.

Then, my friend, who has been interested in Paganism for a while, but who is only just starting to get into it now, sent me a text this morning asking for advice on how to do a ritual asap, ideally today. Like the title says, “Oof”. I did tell him that that isn’t the kind of thing that would get done in one day, even if I wasn’t sick. I did give him what advice I could, including some things I definitively don’t think he should do. And I spent the last several hours texting with him about it. I may have managed to annoy him, but I hope not. And I wasn’t trying to be critical, nor to say he shouldn’t do a ritual.

I don’t want to make it sound like it’s all bad. At least the cold is just a cold, not a flu, or an Addisonian related thing. And Phire doesn’t have it. I’m still riding the happiness high in a major way from completing CampNaNoWriMo, applying to college, and and taking the online courses.

Also, I have MAJOR good news. Phire is mostly in at Full Sail University! He started his orientation and month-long trial period today. It’s even more awesome, because he wasn’t sure everything would be finished pending by today, in which case, he would have had to wait an additional month to get started. But it’s done, he doesn’t have to wait, and as long as he does well, and he likes it there, next month he will officially be a student of Full Sail University for a Bachelor’s of Science in Music Business. I’m so proud of him, and so, SO happy. He’s also getting a new computer this week which will make his and my lives significantly easier.

He’s done with the computer for now, and my friend doesn’t seem to be texting me back at the moment, so I’m off to do some of my course work.

I sincerely hope all of you are well and that none of you have colds! 🙂

Meh


*WARNING — potentially deppressing rant ahead*

I really, really don’t feel like writing a blog post right now. So why am I? I don’t know. Because it’s been over a month since I blogged here, probably as long or longer on my other blogs. And because I’m frustrated.

I’ve been dealing with my phone malfunctioning periodically since June or July, which is when I got it.

I have the flu. I am, however, super excited that I didn’t need to go the hospital because I have the flu (trust me, that’s a really big deal)! And I’m getting over having the flu, which is awesome.

I’m annoyed with myself over all the stuff I haven’t been getting done around the house.

I only got two of the five, six, or seven small rituals done that I planned to last month. I Flamekept, so that’s three I suppose. But I missed Mabon. I didn’t leave offerings for my other Gods besides one. I didn’t ask their permission to work with the potential new entity, except for one. And now it’s almost Samhain. I’ve only done the one Flamekeeping shift. I missed my last one, and there’s one in two days, I believe, that overlaps with the new moon, when I also want to honor The Morrighan.

I did really well with journaling in September. I only missed four or five days for the whole month. But then, two weeks into October, not even, really, and I missed four days by then. So I missed the same number of days in two weeks that I had previously missed in a month. So far, I’ve either missed four or five days this month. Granted, one of them was the worst of the days I was sick with the flu.

The ceiling is falling down in the dining room due to an incompetent job by the heating guy. The door knob on our front door is broken. There is a hole patched with cardboard and printer paper in the drywall in our attic, which we use as the bedroom. The lawn needs to be mowed and the litter scooped. The sink is full of dirty, germy dishes. Less than a month ago, a sewer main at our curb overflowed, which mercifully was not our problem…except that the pipes in our house gurlgled and backed up because of it for two days and there was sewage around our house for days afterwards. The whole house needs a thorough cleaning. All three of us are still hacking and coughing up phlegm, and SJ still has a fever.

I am tired, and sick, and frustrated. Angry, even. I’m angry mostly because I feel so fricking helpless.

Somehow, someway, I will pull myself out of this.